Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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