I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes