why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
