Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
