matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
