I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
