My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
