Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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