This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
