Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
third nipple confirmed
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
