i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
