We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
