So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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