I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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