she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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