We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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