There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
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Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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