i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
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I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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