Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
