They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
