What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
