You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she told me i tasted like america
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
