i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
