my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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