Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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