i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
