There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
