I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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