I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
