He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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