2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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