if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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