You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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