Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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