My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
