the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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