dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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