We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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