yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
