I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am midnight drunk by noon
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
