just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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