Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
