I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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