I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
