haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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