im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
