I hate your face
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
