dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
