Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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