I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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