Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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