Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
