if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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