we have officially mastered the walk of shame
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
