Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Sober January is a disaster.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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