i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
