I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
