My Higher Power is John Stamos
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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