Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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